Ever since discontinuing medication for depression/anxiety a few months ago, I’ve noticed some occasional changes in my emotional state. It’s not that I was unemotional when I was on medication, but I felt a” wall of protection” around me that prevented me from breaking down. It saved me from potential embarrassment from anxiety attacks, crying in front of people, and a lot of yelling I’m sure. Now that my emotions are “unchecked,” they sometimes well up inside me without warning. For example:
- Watching the Shamu show at Sea World with my kids. An introductory piece is shown on the big screen that portrays young children learning about the environment and the ocean, and they flash forward to them becoming adults caring for animals and teaching the next generation. (Oh my God I’m tearing up right now just thinking about it!!).
- I went on another school field trip to accompany a student with a medical need. What could be emotional about a field trip right?? Well I have a strong love of music and I played the classical guitar starting at age 8. I also sang in the choir from middle school through college. Music is emotional. And to be there in the midst of children experiencing this for the first time was incredible for me. The boy sitting to my left was humming, and the boy on my right said before the show, “I’m actually really excited!”
- Facebook posts about mothers and their children – their love for them, their fear of not being good enough, even happy stories about them growing up. It’s to the point that I’ve started avoiding clicking on certain posts on Facebook that are obviously meant to evoke an emotional response.
- Reading or watching the news is out of the question. Tragic and happy news makes me emotional, and I used to be a self-proclaimed “news junkie.” Not anymore.
I feel like my emotions were in a suspended state of animation for 4 years. That was something that needed to happen though. Now I’m getting to know myself again, and for better or worse – I’m getting my feeling back.