Unstable

Ever since discontinuing medication for depression/anxiety a few months ago, I’ve noticed some occasional changes in my emotional state.  It’s not that I was unemotional when I was on medication, but I felt a” wall of protection” around me that prevented me from breaking down.  It saved me from potential embarrassment from anxiety attacks, crying in front of people, and a lot of yelling I’m sure.  Now that my emotions are “unchecked,” they sometimes well up inside me without warning.  For example:

  • Watching the Shamu show at Sea World with my kids.  An introductory piece is shown on the big screen that portrays young children learning about the environment and the ocean, and they flash forward to them becoming adults caring for animals and teaching the next generation.  (Oh my God I’m tearing up right now just thinking about it!!).

    image

    Field trip to the symphony!

  • I went on another school field trip to accompany a student with a medical need.  What could be emotional about a field trip right??  Well I have a strong love of music and I played the classical guitar starting at age 8.  I also sang in the choir from middle school through college.  Music is emotional.  And to be there in the midst of children experiencing this for the first time was incredible for me.  The boy sitting to my left was humming, and the boy on my right said before the show, “I’m actually really excited!”
  • Facebook posts about mothers and their children – their love for them, their fear of not being good enough, even happy stories about them growing up.  It’s to the point that I’ve started avoiding clicking on certain posts on Facebook that are obviously meant to evoke an emotional response.
  • Reading or watching the news is out of the question.  Tragic and happy news makes me emotional, and I used to be a self-proclaimed “news junkie.”  Not anymore.

I feel like my emotions were in a suspended state of animation for 4 years.  That was something that needed to happen though.  Now I’m getting to know myself again, and for better or worse – I’m getting my feeling back.

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7 thoughts on “Unstable

  1. sundaisy4u says:

    HI the Hungry Nurse! I enjoyed reading your post. I just wrote a post about a natural breathing technique for anxiety. check it out, hopefully it will help! http://sundaisy4u.wordpress.com/2013/11/02/the-fastest-way-to-beat-anxiety/

  2. acuriousgal says:

    Thinking of you on this journey of yours!!

  3. nurseeyeroll says:

    I have a few close friends that have recently made the same decision and getting used to the feeling again is definitely not an easy adjustment. Cheers to you! I know it’s not easy, but you’re AWESOME.

  4. Thank you so much for being so open with raw with your readers! So many people have gone through or are going through what you’ve been though, and it’s so important to know you’re not alone. I’ll be sending you happy vibes.

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