Where Are My Tic Tacs!?

Where Are My Tic Tacs!?  

If you know where this line comes from without having to watch the clip, we can be friends.  I’m ashamed to admit I feel like Parker Posey in You’ve Got Mail quite frequently these days

Ever since I discontinued my medication for anxiety/depression this past summer, my anxiety has reared its ugly head more and more.  (Thankfully, the depression is a distant memory and I can only hope it won’t return, but I sometimes feel that’s only a matter of time).  I feel agitated frequently, and my temper can be very short.  This usually happens in moments of stress (obviously) and I’m trying to find ways to control it naturally.  For example:

• I was on the phone with the doctor’s office about getting referred for a test, and they were insisting I had to come in for a visit. I flat-out refused, demanded that they schedule me for the test without a visit (and the huge copay and wasted time I was trying to avoid), asked to speak with the office manager (who wasn’t there that day), and then promptly hung up on them.
• I still can’t bring myself to make phone calls to strangers – including the cable company and the bank.
• Mornings are hard for me (I’ve NEVER been a morning person).  My kids and I have to get out the door very early and it’s stressful.  Those of you with young children can understand, I’m sure.  Even though I’ve picked out their clothes the night before and my husband packs the lunches so they’re ready to go, we just can’t all seem to get it together in time.  I end up losing my temper with them and immediately regretting the things I say.
• I’m a cusser.  I’ve always been a cusser, but lately the cuss words seem to flow a little too easily.  I should probably try to control that.

But how?

• I’ve tried journaling, but at the height of my anxiety it’s not practical to whip out a journal and scribble my thoughts – especially at my work.
• I’ve tried self-talk, but I’ve run out of things to say.
• My coworkers know about my anxiety and have been gracious enough to get me a calming battery-powered water fountain, and a mini Zen rock garden (how awesome are they!?).  I joke that they don’t want to see me rage, but I’m sure that’s partly true.

I wish I could predict when the anxiety was coming, and maybe I could pop a Xanax, but it sneaks up on me most of the time.  I feel like the Hulk is about to burst out of me sometimes.  I care enough about my job and my friends to not let that happen though, but I need to find ways to control this anxiety.

Any suggestions?  Or maybe just a story to share?

Unstable

Ever since discontinuing medication for depression/anxiety a few months ago, I’ve noticed some occasional changes in my emotional state.  It’s not that I was unemotional when I was on medication, but I felt a” wall of protection” around me that prevented me from breaking down.  It saved me from potential embarrassment from anxiety attacks, crying in front of people, and a lot of yelling I’m sure.  Now that my emotions are “unchecked,” they sometimes well up inside me without warning.  For example:

• Watching the Shamu show at Sea World with my kids.  An introductory piece is shown on the big screen that portrays young children learning about the environment and the ocean, and they flash forward to them becoming adults caring for animals and teaching the next generation.  (Oh my God I’m tearing up right now just thinking about it!!).
  

  Field trip to the symphony!

• I went on another school field trip to accompany a student with a medical need.  What could be emotional about a field trip right??  Well I have a strong love of music and I played the classical guitar starting at age 8.  I also sang in the choir from middle school through college.  Music is emotional.  And to be there in the midst of children experiencing this for the first time was incredible for me.  The boy sitting to my left was humming, and the boy on my right said before the show, “I’m actually really excited!”
• Facebook posts about mothers and their children – their love for them, their fear of not being good enough, even happy stories about them growing up.  It’s to the point that I’ve started avoiding clicking on certain posts on Facebook that are obviously meant to evoke an emotional response.
• Reading or watching the news is out of the question.  Tragic and happy news makes me emotional, and I used to be a self-proclaimed “news junkie.”  Not anymore.

I feel like my emotions were in a suspended state of animation for 4 years.  That was something that needed to happen though.  Now I’m getting to know myself again, and for better or worse – I’m getting my feeling back.